Agent Orange!

These past few weeks, I have felt like an endless pitcher - some for you, some more for you...and somehow, none left for me. I made a decision to take the day off today to just gather myself. When it gets like this - I get quiet. So quiet. And I can stay this way, completely happy within myself for what seems like days. Not healthy if it goes on for too long - but sometimes, I'm sure many people feel like they're swimming in an endless sea of their emotions and its so very necessary to take breaths as you go back and forth - these breaths save your life. I took one of these yesterday. And boy do I feel so much better. I havent said more than 2 sentences and havent done anything - but I was exhausted. I took a nap in the afternoon (something I never ever do) and woke up happy. Now I feel so ready for tomorrow...and tomorrow's run.

I am a runner through and through. It nourishes me. Much as I love to eat and I love to love...I love to use my body as a tool - to guide my life, to guide my thoughts and my heart. I think like a runner. I am also prone to loneliness - like a runner.

Orange is a color associated with danger - much more so than red. As a rebellious teenager, Agent Orange was on my repeat playlist for weeks. This post has direction, I promise (ever the academic). This past year, and this blog is witness to it, I have been living in my own threat level orange. Many people tell me I am strong since "you are a runner after all". As if being a runner automatically gives you the balls to "be strong" - whatever that means. More often than not, I feel like I fail miserably. Yes, I can run endless miles with my head screwed right. But sometimes, the "being strong" bit is lost on me.

I have been the most miserable when I havent been true to my core. I seem to be lost that adventurous spirit that guided my youth, somehow in the quest to "move on" with my life. And move on towards what? I got so caught up in the idea of figuring out some direction, and subsequently my own threat level orange. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is to be Here and Now. In addition to this, I also have to let go of safe bets, the safe choice, the safe path and regain that adventurous spirit that is a bright part of me. The fact of the matter is, I am completely comfortable in the idea of the unknown. I now know what its like to have pared down needs and its a great exercise for me to wade deep into uncertainty, into spontaneity and leap without looking. It is further helping me to regain myself, my power. In alot of ways, its a small thing, in other ways, its everything. But needless to say, it is empowering to wake up each morning and say "how will I create today"? The possibilities are endless!

This morning I ran up stairs for 2 hours on my very tired legs. 550 repeats to be exact!

So much catching up to do - 9 days! I dont even remember my exact workouts anymore. I do remember the last 3 days though. I have a fascination for round numbers and somehow seeing '60' (or 132 on mine) on my weighing scale makes me very happy. Sometimes, I strap on a backpack with weights so that I weigh 60 kilos. Dont ask me why. I have no reason, except I like that number and it works out to be 8 or 10 (depending on the time of the month) kilos more than I usually weigh.

Anyway, I have been running stairs and running on the roads with weights for the past 3 days days. I wont do it again for awhile though. This morning I logged an hour of running plus 20 minutes of weights in the am. I then did another 3 miles 4 hours later.