'Brick'

Pushing past mental (never physical) limitations is one of the hardest things one can do - also one of the bravest things one can do. It takes alot of guts to get out there and beat your body into submission - something I tend to do a bit too often. Nothing else satisfies unfortunately - some people meekly follow their dreams; whereas some of us mercilessly beat them down into submission. This is how I feel today. And it feels good. This quote by one of my favorite philosophers comes to mind : "Controlling others requires force. Controlling yourself requires power". (Laozi, Dao De Jing, verse 33).

I did a 3 way brick. This is after a two hour sleep last night. I am not complaining at all. I have had 3 great nights prior to last night.

320 stair sprints
7.5 tempo 53 minutes - excellent pace!
30 laps in the pool 24 minutes.

I have found that my legs perform tempo runs very well when they are are very warm - this is to mean that it takes over an hour of stairs to get me pumped (and motivated enough) to speed up sufficiently. I never perform as well on fresh legs. This is quite odd, because I do wonder how I'd do if I just ran a tempo to start with. I like long and hard - rather than short and fast. Oh well, maybe that says more about the sort of person I am as well :-)

Morality (on a Friday!)

Morals are strange things. I used to think of myself as a good person, but not a moral person. Not really sure why. But I have always felt that morality was relative, thus exempting me from being moral. Being moral, as I have believed, is to adhere to a set of beliefs, and would also like other people to adhere to as well. I never thought like this, however. I thought that everybody internalizes their own sense of good, and with some difficulty live by that sense, disregard that sense, or simply reformulate when the context changes. Therefore, for me, that is not really morality, but rather simply a sense of good.

I must admit that my internalized sense of good has been radically reshaped in the last 5 years. When I was younger I did things that I thought were utterly unforgivable. Yet here I am. I feel my internal sense of good has been challenged by my thoughts, that I only live once. I dont want to regret things that I have not done, but nor do I want to regret things that I have done. This tension of goodness and regret has been particularly acute off late. It feels strange when one is faced with a decision that exposes this tension bare. I faced that tension merely a few hours ago, and for one reason or another, I chose my sense of goodness. I am not sure I am happy , or feel relieved by this. However, on mile 9 this morning, I knew, the decision was the right one and I dont feel regret.

12 slow and easy this morning. Actually, too slow for my liking. 1.50 minutes. The legs just didnt want to go any faster, plus I always leave my watch home on runs like today - meaning, runs where I just run for the sake of the act rather than for performance.

Will run a 4-5 tempo-ish this pm. I am going to be very very well-fuelled. Cant wait!!

Thursday easy

Excellent run this morning - right on pace.

11.4 miles 93 minutes. I will NOT let anyone forget that its about 30 degrees here with very high humidity. Alot of fluid has been lost this week - this makes keeping my weight steady very difficult. People who are in the know would not be surprised at the fact that the 0.4 is really irritating me - I ran a new route this morning and didnt realise until after I had showered that I came up just 0.6 of a mile short. This is so annoying!! I knew it wasnt quite 12 miles because I was done fast but, really?? 0.6??

Anyway, I will run 3.6 this pm to make up for it. Now the task is to wait 8 or so hours till that!

P.S We all know that oatmeal is good for us. It has been my faithful breakfast for like 8 years - I dont go a day without it and eat several bowls at a time. This morning I did something - in celebration for the long weekend ahead. Ready? Here goes: I have taken to topping it with a few swirls of double cream (there goes its cholesterol fighting properties) and a shot of whiskey. I know, it sounds odd - but oatmeal is Scottish and whiskey is...ummm....Scottish? Well, whatever gets you through the day - this is the Aussie in me coming out to play :-)

A long way back home.

Life is an endless search for a place to belong. For me, I am constantly searching for stability. Outwardly, yes I have had it - had it better than most people. However, I also carry with me an enormous insecurity - what would happen if I lost it all? I have always wanted to create a world of my own no matter where home was at that moment. This meant having little idiosyncracies, little routines in every city that I have lived in. I have never felt a sense of belonging; it has been a homelessness, a nomadic lifestyle, which I think I am pretty sick of at the moment. I just want to stay put in one place and never leave!!

It has taken me over a decade to feel comfortable in this city. The neverending stares do not impact me as much. Perhaps because underneath the sanitized veneer of Singapore lies a lack of trust that seems to pervade this society. Or perhaps those neverending glares at the weird-not-quite-Indian-not-quite-Ang Moh girl walking by, have subvertly invaded my consciousness, and has caused an anxiety that will not allow me to fully relax anywhere. Whatever it may be. I am certain of this - I am *just* about comfortable in my own skin here.

The reason I am so committed to running, as silly as it sounds, is because it has been the only constant in my life - the one thing that has never left or been kicked out :-)

P.S. One of the simple joys in my life has been to have Jalebis by the roadside in Chandni Chowk. I have here the next best thing - the last batch of some my mother brought back from her travels. I just had a few (10) with a glass of milk. This is where I belong - its amazing how the taste of something so simple can take me back to the India of my childhood (it also proves just how potent food memories can be). Thanks mum!

12 easy am miles. This is by far my favorite distance - satisfies the need for speed and distance. I got it over and done with quickly because it was *SO* hot (sorry, I have been whining too much about the weather lately). 95 minutes!! 15 minutes loitering around trying to dry off.
3-4 easy miles this pm.

Hot, hot, hot!

So its safe to say that I have masochistic tendencies - meaning, I am addicted to the highs in training and I actually *enjoy* a certain degree of physical pain.

It was one of the hottest mornings in recent memory. The air was thick, still and extremely humid. The only 'breeze' I caught was when I ran fast - 'fast' is a relative term since my legs felt like lead! I think Indonesia is up to its old tricks again - I could smell smoke and I fear the haze might be back. Living in Singapore, I've learnt - when in doubt, blame Indonesia!!! Just kidding!

I cant believe I ran, and even more unbelievable is that I finished in a decent time. I think we constantly underestimate ourselves and fear pushing past our barriers. Once you get past your mental fear of failure, I think you might surprise yourself. So get out there and run already!

I realised just how hot it was when at mile 17, I had dried up salt crystals all over my neck and back. I also lost about 10lbs of fluid on the road. Downing water has been hard - everything tastes metallic.

24.3 miles 3.15 - I still cant believe the time. I felt like I was crawling - obviously not!

Monday lives up to its reputation

I have been listening to some Christian devotional music for the past couple of days - and not because I am Christian, or even particularly devoted. It put me to sleep last night - I woke up after 5 hours, and maybe it was the several pints of ice-cream, or the Delhi sweets, but I.just.could.not.make.myself.wake.up!! I finally hauled myself out after 20 minutes of bribing, only to make it to the staircase in a serious case of the grumps!

Here it is. I am so embarrassed!!
300/600 stair sprints - 67 minutes (yuck!!)
30 seconds of a "run". Yes, I bailed!
45 laps in the pool 37 minutes (1.5 miles)

I'm hating these times. 200 or so sprints are definately on tap for this pm. I may have to bring out some TOOL for this. Nice, relaxing music just will not cut it!!

Finding a path.

Here is a confession. It has been a strange couple of days. I have been using a different space at work since its close to the library and at the main campus. Outside, the temperature is as usual close to 30 degrees, but the aircon is set to 20 degrees inside, rather cool, which means that the windows here often have mist on them, alot like the buses which have mist on them also.

The last couple of days have also been really lonely, which means I have had quite a bit of time to think about my future. It is beginning to dawn on me, something that I have been putting off for awhile, that I will have to make some real decisions now that will have a real impact upon my life. These are never easy things to think about because they create a kind of nervous tension within, that is to some extent not very healthy.

Thoughts turn to my move away from this city. I would want to leave without any fanfare. In many ways, I have pushed my personal boundaries in this city as far they go. Sometimes I liked what I found, however, more often than not, I have been bitterly dissappointed. I am afraid I will leave this city without the answer to this burning question that I cannot answer - "What type of life do I want?" I am torn between the ordinary and the interesting. Meaning, should I continue to chase my dreams or should I settle for a secure stable life. I guess this issue has haunted me my entire life. However, the last year has cleared away everything, and left me with a quandry.

I ran 3.5 miles at 1:30am - dont ask! Happy Sunday all!