Morals are strange things. I used to think of myself as a good person, but not a moral person. Not really sure why. But I have always felt that morality was relative, thus exempting me from being moral. Being moral, as I have believed, is to adhere to a set of beliefs, and would also like other people to adhere to as well. I never thought like this, however. I thought that everybody internalizes their own sense of good, and with some difficulty live by that sense, disregard that sense, or simply reformulate when the context changes. Therefore, for me, that is not really morality, but rather simply a sense of good.
I must admit that my internalized sense of good has been radically reshaped in the last 5 years. When I was younger I did things that I thought were utterly unforgivable. Yet here I am. I feel my internal sense of good has been challenged by my thoughts, that I only live once. I dont want to regret things that I have not done, but nor do I want to regret things that I have done. This tension of goodness and regret has been particularly acute off late. It feels strange when one is faced with a decision that exposes this tension bare. I faced that tension merely a few hours ago, and for one reason or another, I chose my sense of goodness. I am not sure I am happy , or feel relieved by this. However, on mile 9 this morning, I knew, the decision was the right one and I dont feel regret.
12 slow and easy this morning. Actually, too slow for my liking. 1.50 minutes. The legs just didnt want to go any faster, plus I always leave my watch home on runs like today - meaning, runs where I just run for the sake of the act rather than for performance.
Will run a 4-5 tempo-ish this pm. I am going to be very very well-fuelled. Cant wait!!
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